Barad'Dun The Western Tower
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Barad'Dun The Western Tower


 
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 taco's writing

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Taco

Taco


Posts : 566
Join date : 2009-10-01
Age : 35

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PostSubject: taco's writing   taco's writing I_icon_minitimeMon Mar 01, 2010 11:23 pm

ok so i was working on a story before i left Utah and i haven't done anything with it yet so. I'm posting up what i have if you guys have anything you want to say about it go ahead. the story is base off of my friends in Utah. oh and sorry for some of the spelling i did spell check but some did come out right.



The early Fog covered the city in a blanket of white. Sounds of car engines could be heard through the fog but sight was impossible, the sound of clanking form a sewer lid as a car drove over top of it. the car slowed down to a stop in front of a bakery. Silkworm looked over at soultess who had been in a bad mood because of being woken up early," Make this quick..." Soultess with a half grin "Ya ya i know.." He opened the door before getting out he looked back to the men in the back, "Takeko... Arvald lets get this over with.." the two men exited the car, along with soultess.

The bell on the door gave a cheerful ring as the door swung open. the girl at the front counter her back was turn towards the men "welcome i will be with you in a minute!" The girl turn around he eyes grew big as she stared at the three men, she stumbled back. Soultess smiled "can we speak with the owner?" The girl shuddered a bit "..h..h..he's in...the back office.. i can go..get him.." Soultess shock his hand "no need to we can go to him.." he looked at Arvald " Make sure she doesn't call anybody" soultess started to walk into the back Takeko following him. Soultess stopped before getting out of sight " oh and make sure none of those bastard green tops come poking around.." arvald smiled " don't worry will make sure of that. The two men disappeared into the back room

Silkworm sat outside in the car, a tap came on the window, butch's face could been seen slightly in the fog. silkworm rolled the window down, She asked "so how did it go?" butch gave a big grin "i got all the money...hows it going here?" silkworm rubbed her forehead, "they have been in there for about 40 minute's" Butch shook his head " well lets hope Takeko doesn't kill this one." they both started to laugh.

The door to the office creaked open, the manager voiced rose up " Lisa give me some time I'm doing my paper work...." Soultess smirked " well i don't remember my name being Lisa, but hey it sounds cute.." Takeko started to grin behind him. The manager started to stand up, Takeko pulled his pistol out from under his jacket. Soultess looked at the man "I wouldn't do that if i were you, the man behind me doesn't like sudden movements..." he chuckled as the man sat down.

The man looked at the two men, he was scared for his life. his hands shook,"so what is it you want from me...?" Soultess could hear the fear in his voice " well are boss wants to offer protect to you for a fee?" soultess put his hands on the mans desk, reading the nameplate on the desk " so you see...Steve I would find it pretty bad, like you shop got blown up or got robbed but people and you had no way to stop it..." Steve stare at soultess " but i don't need protect! i haven't had anything like that happen to this shop in 4 years!" the fear must of left him as he stood up and started to raise his voice at the two men. " I DON'T NEED SCUM LIKE YOU TRYING TO HAR..." and before he could finish the rest of his speech he got a blunt object to the side of the head. He hit the ground like a sat of rocks, Takeko was standing over him grinning a bit, he had slammed the bottom of his gun into the mans head.

The mans eyes slowly opened he saw soultess's face right in front of him. Soultess smacked his face a little " you see sir, my friend hates it when people don't listen to use...so i suggest that by the end of the month you have two hundred dollar's ready for payment..." at that note soultess stood up and proceed to the door. He opened the door then with out turning around " oh and one more thing if you don't have the money, you will see use again.." The two men walked out of the room and shut the door. Then proceed to the front were arvald was waiting, the business in the shop was going as normal. Soultess walked to the front door and takeko behind him, as the started out the door arvald followed them.

The walked up to the car, and proceed to get in. Soultess looked at silkworm " another store is under are protection.." he chuckled a bit when he said that, Silkworm smiled. out of everyone in the car silkworm had a kind and caring aura, about her. She looked towards the road as they sped off, Butch being in the back with takeko. arvald spoke up" i got word that the boss needs to talk to us." arvald staring out at the people on the side of the road " so then we best head back to the compound..." arvald never seemed all there but he also has a short fuse like takeko, they both have a bad tempers when push. Takeko looked over at butch" So how did the night go with that dancer from the club at the corner?? I want details!" besides takeko acted like a grade school child that just found out his friend just got in trouble with his mom.

Butch sigh " well... she... how do i put it... we a great night, she passed and i left the hotel room two hours later.." Takeko and arvald broke out laughing. Silkworm shook her head and soultess just closed his eyes and smiled, Butch wasn't the type of man that a girl would date, he also had a bad taste in women, mostly hookers and dancers, and not the type that were respectable either. Soultess opened his eyes again, and stared at the compound that they were approaching. Soultess sigh "home at last, or my second home at lest." Soultess was always cocky about most everything and always being sarcastic, he just love screwing with people.

The car pulled up in to a parking spot at the back of one of the parts of the house. The compound was pretty big the main house were the don lived, two smaller house's one was the armory, the other was were the cars were worked on and most of the supply were stored the place was always crawling with men that worked for the family. Butch looked around at the other car" well it looks like the rest are here, there just waiting on us." every one got out of the car, as they walk towards the main house they were fixing there cloths and hair trying to look better then they did. Avrald put his coat on and buttoned it up, takeko unrolled his sleeves and slicked his hair down.

A man at the door opened it up, " there waiting for you" silkworm entered first followed by the rest. As they entered the main living room, Silkworm stopped and looked at the men by the main office doors and scanned the room looking at everyone, "sorry were late.." Tanis which was standing by the doors with acrid on the other side " no worry hes still play with the two young lady's" Mihoe waved over silkworm, takeko and arvald sat down on the couch that was facing silkworm and mihoe. soultess walked over to tanis and leaned against the wall next to him, butch sat on the chair by takeko. sounds could be heard from behind the doors first a females voice "oh move there..ya that right there!" Then another females voice " That was a bad move! your king is now mine!" then a males voice " damn! how could i not see that!" laughing came from the room with the words " Check mate! I win" and more laughing, soon the laughed quieted down.

Mihoe and silkworm were the only to that could be heard talking in the living room, at first glance of her she looked like a man, but when she spoke her voice was a dead give away. the double doors opened to the sight of a very big man and two young girls one standing close to him on each side. He scanned the people in the room his eyes seemed to not miss a thing, " well I'm glad to see that everyone's here" he turned around facing his office " now please come in so we can talk everyone" and he disperse into the room the rest of the room followed into the office. he sat on his desk and everyone found a place to sit, The double doors were close, and the meeting began.
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konradr

konradr


Posts : 3563
Join date : 2009-03-10
Age : 59
Location : Las Vegas/Henderson

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PostSubject: Re: taco's writing   taco's writing I_icon_minitimeWed Mar 03, 2010 7:57 am

Not bad Taco, not bad. I found its always fun to write stories with characters based on people you know since its easy to show their 'character' rather than create a character out of your head. Some parts of your writing needs more embellishment and some parts need less. Your dialogue is good. I would suggest, if you want to pursue writing, take a community class at UNLV or CSN on creative writing and see what a professional says. I'm no professional writer and certainly not a teacher.

There's also a writer's group here, actually a couple, but the one in Henderson has published writers and professional editors in the group. You could attend and read your stuff and they will critique you. I've yet to do so, because I'm shy. But if you go, Maybe I'll sneak in behind you with my own book.

Here's the weblink to the writing group in Henderson. http://hwg.mergentsquared.com/ and their Blog http://hendersonwritersgroup.blogspot.com/ and the henderson printer that also has a listing of Professional editors who can read your stuff for a price.http://mysticpublishers.com/

Konradr
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