In process of writing a book thats being published in december, crituiqe?

kk as the titles says I'm in the process of writing an E book for Amazon that will be published in December. Its a collection of short stories relative to my life and funny/dramatic situations. Anyways, theres this one story that I wrote about a certain......girl that has influenced me for the worst so of course I wrote about her. While writing it I was angry as hell, but the way I wrote it was different than any of my other writing styles soooo I'm a little concerned on how it reads. Tell me what you think, what I should fix, etc.

The book is titled "Too Insane to Say Aloud"



Green with Jealousy?


I sit at the lunch table with a group who I think are my friends at the time. I look over at her and feel my eyes squint in an angry glare. Her black wavy hair, shinning in the light like sewn onyx stones, no stringy strands anywhere to be seen. My jealousy burns inside me like a hot flame.

I sit with the same group at an anime club meeting. She was voted president of the club, using her stupid childish laugh that stabs my eardrums like a hot iron rod. There she goes again, bragging about how she had a bunch of her classmates hitting on her in a class that none of us have her in. No one to verify, but I still feel my stomach churn with fury as I sit quietly.

I walk around a local anime convention with my “friends”, watching them circle around her and laugh at a stupid joke she made. God I wish she would die. There she goes again asking how she looks in her costume. I sneer at her mentally as I take in her form. She’s fat, short, and unappealing to me in every way and yet I’m still furious with jealousy.

I sit on the couch of my at the time best friend’s house as I watch her sing on the karaoke game we are all playing. Her voice is shrill and sharp, and yet still weaker than a kittens. I stare at her beautiful hair, stare at her face which she randomly will pick a pimple in public and think nothing of it. Her eyes sparkle with confidence and her smile radiates something that makes everyone in the room, even me sometimes, join in when she laughs. Why can’t I be her?!

I dance with a friend of mine, one I had a crush on for a while but wasn’t sure what to do with it at the time, at another local anime convention. All that day SHE walked around with him and told him to buy her stuff like a whore. I fight back words down my throat because I think of myself better than that. I feel slightly better when he gave me attention, letting me have my time to flirt with him. Later that night I see him leave with her though. I assume he was just walking her to her car; but later I find out otherwise. Why does SHE have to have everything?!

She comes to me at school once, saying she had an idea for a way for us to make money. I stay in character as I pleasantly ask her what her idea was. She laughed and said that we both should give guys head in the men’s restroom. I stare at her dumbfounded, but after that she kept coming after me with the idea. Is this how she becomes popular? I thought girls got teased for being sexually easy but here she is with friends and men flocking to her. Should I do that?

I hate her so, what is it about her that I find utterly unbearable and yet everyone around her beg to be her friends, constantly become pawns in her game. What makes it so guys go to her for sex? I sigh as she pats me with sympathy as she explains that soon I will have breasts and an ass like hers. My self of steam falls more as I learn to grow envious of her body as well, my mind forgetting her weight.

Over the five or so years I knew her, my anger and jealousy grew inside me, screaming at me to call her a bitch to her face, but I stay quiet. At yet another anime convention I skip out of the bathroom in my new dress I bought for myself that I thought I looked great in. I skip to my “group” and ask what they think, swirling my hips so the skirt would flare out slightly. She stares at me with a cold stare, “It makes you look cheap.” She said, returning to man handling my ex girlfriend. I frown and feel tears well up, my body trembling in anger as I stare at her. Will this be the time I call her what I have only dreamt of calling her?

I turn away and dress into my other outfit, staying in the bathroom until I feel my temper cool. I walk back out and sit with my blonde friend and stare at her cuddling with my ex girlfriend, jealousy fuming furiously from my every pore. I then notice how big her gut hung out of her pants. My anger lessens in confusion as I look at her legs in the shorts she wore. She has cellulite running up and down her legs, my anger lessening more. I look at her round face with her dead brown eyes, her hair not as shiny as I always imagined.

I sit there dumbfounded by my sudden switch of emotion, but I muster my anger and jealousy because an emotion that she didn’t deserve started to bubble up. Later that day I walk with my friends sharing a laugh down a hall when I see her sitting next to a group, the group turned into a tight circle with her sitting a few inches away; separated like a lonesome moon with a large planet. As we walk away I stare back at her and see all her faults, my jealousy depleting until an unnerving emotion was left behind.

Pity

I would have never guessed that I would pity her of all people. My illusion of her shinny long hair, her exotic colored skin, her gleaming eyes and big breasts began to melt away. All I saw was a secluded girl who had false confidence and used others self asteam against them when she could. I thought long and hard of what I was jealous of. I had bigger breasts than her, I weighed a lot less, and my hair was longer and now prettier even. What was it about her that irked me so? Was it her confidence in herself? The fact that she was able to compliment herself and have others come to her and confirm her even though it was a lie?

To this day I have these same feelings towards her, how I wish she would just disappear to another world where I would never have to be reminded of her existence. I have learned to like myself to an extent, to even admit when I look nice. Somewhere in my mind though, will always be that shadow of what I thought she looked like, of how pretty and sexy she was but in reality looked nothing like that. It’s funny how someone’s imagination can run wild like that.

It relies far too much on "I + verb" structure which detracts from the writing and kills any narrative flow. You end a few sentences with prepositions. It reads a lot like a diary entry rather than a narrative. A lot of words are misspelled, so I would definitely have it proofread. Ellipses are three dots, not six. You also repeat yourself a lot. For example at the end it says "...but in reality looked nothing LIKE THAT. It’s funny how someone’s imagination can run wild LIKE THAT."

Grek wrote:

It relies far too much on "I + verb" structure which detracts from the writing and kills any narrative flow. You end a few sentences with prepositions. It reads a lot like a diary entry rather than a narrative. A lot of words are misspelled, so I would definitely have it proofread. Ellipses are three dots, not six. You also repeat yourself a lot. For example at the end it says "...but in reality looked nothing LIKE THAT. It’s funny how someone’s imagination can run wild LIKE THAT."

thank you ^^ and i did spell check which is funny, my spell check just fails i guess and ya i repeat myself oops